Family-of-Origin Characteristics Among Women Married to Sexually Addicted Men

Two groups of women (one group married to sexually addicted men and the other group married to nonsexually addicted men) were compared to examine differences in family-of-origin characteristics. It was found that women married to sexually addicted men were significantly more likely to come from families-of-origin where they experienced abuse, abandonment, chaos, physical punishment, crisis, and depression. Further, these women were more likely to have families-of-origin that were rigidly disengaged. Women married to men who were not sexually addicted were more likely to come from cohesively connected families-of-origin. Implications for counseling practice are discussed. Article: Addiction to sex and pornography is a growing problem in the United States (Earle & Crow, 1989). A decade ago it was estimated that there were between three and six million men in America who suffered from sexual addiction (Schneider, 1991). More recent information suggests that currently approximately 6% percent of the U.S. population is sexually addicted (J. P. Schneider, personal communication, 2002) Although exact numbers are unavailable it is thought that the extent of addictive sexual behavior in the U.S. is largely unacknowledged and underreported (J. P. Schneider, personal communication, September 11, 2002). Sexual addiction is defined as sexual compulsivity—poorly controlled sexual behavior with subjective distress or impairment in social functioning (Black, Kehrberg, Flumerfelt, & Schlosser, 1997) and as a loss of control over the ability to choose regarding one's sexual behaviors (i.e., extra-marital, affairs, sex with prostitutes, compulsive use of pornography) (Carnes, 1989). Although the concept of sexual addiction and compulsivity continues to invoke interest among researchers (Black et al., 1997; Bradford, 1996; Schneider & Irons, 1996; Seligman & Hardenburg, 2000) virtually no research is available that examines the impact of this problem on the families of sexual addicts. Women who are married to sexually addicted men are directly effected by their husband's compulsive sexual behaviors (Schneider, 2000). Characteristics that pervade such marriages include diminished intimacy, diminished sensitivity, and extreme relationship dysfunction (Carnes, 1992). Wives of sexually compulsive men fear both abandonment and public ridicule, and they typically hold the false belief that they have the power to stop their husbands' sexual acting out behaviors. In fact, Schneider (2000) indicates that these women hold four core dysfunctional beliefs that contribute to their coaddict behaviors (1) I am not a worthwhile person, (2) No one would love me for myself, (3) I can control other people's behavior, and (4) Sex is the most important sign of love. Further, these women question their own sexuality and attractiveness, while often experiencing chronic depression and anxiety. These women become obsessed with their husband's compulsive behaviors and become entangled in keeping the secret. According to Matheny (1998), such secrets diminish a woman's sense of security, self-confidence, and emotional well being. Laaser (1996) noted that wives of sexually compulsive men have often been ignored or manipulated physically and emotionally, and may have been asked to participate in sexual practices they consider abusive (i.e., sex with multiple partners or sadistic practices). Both Games (1992) and Schneider (2000) noted that wives of sexually compulsive men have their own unresolved family-of-origin issues, life problems, and dysfunctional coping styles. Although much has been speculated about the psychological characteristics of women married to sexually compulsive men, little empirical research exists that systematically examines these women. The body of literature regarding sexual addiction and compulsivity is continually growing (Games & Delmonico, 1996; Elbow & Mayfield, 1991; Johnson, 1992; Schneider, Corley, & Irons, 1988; Schneider & Schneider, 1996; Strand, 1991). To date, little empirical research has focused exclusively on wives of sexually addicted men. However some characteristics of these women have been postulated. These characteristics are: (1) the loss of a sense of self (Matheny, 1998), (2) preoccupation with the addict (Schneider, 1988, 2000), (3) depression (Schneider, 1988), (4) low self-esteem and attempts to control the sexual addict (Schneider, 1988, 2000; Weiss & DeBusk, 1993), (5) relationship dependency (Schaef, 1989; Schneider, 1989, 2000), (6) a history of sexual abuse and neglect in their families-of-origin (Carnes, 1991; Kasl, 1989), and (7) unmet emotional needs in their families-of-origin, emotional turmoil, and feelings of hyper-responsibility (Carnes, 1991). These psychological and behavioral challenges might contribute to a woman marrying a sexually compulsive man and remaining in such a relationship. Regarding the nature of relationships in which addictions are present, several writers have noted that sexual addiction has been equated with other addictions such as drug and alcohol addiction (Schneider & Schneider, 1996; Schwartz & Brasted, 1985). Researchers (Asher & Brissett, 1988; Barber & Crisp, 1995; Denzin, 1993; Hinkin & Kahn, 1995; Troise, 1992) have studied wives of drug addicted men and alcoholics extensively and the characteristics of these women. Family-of-origin characteristics of wives of chemically addicted men include (1) feelings of rejection and abandonment (Kitchens, 1991; Woititz, 1983); (2) a lack of acceptance and rigid, inflexible, nonadaptive family environments (Kitchens, 1991); and (3) being raised in an emotionally deprived and repressed home (Wegscheider-Cruse, 1985; Woititz, 1983). This data may generalize to the family characteristics of wives of sexually addicted men. Many authors have suggested the need for further examination of sexual addicts and their wives (Allgeier, 1996; Corley, Schneider, & Irons, 1998; Crawford, Hueppelsheuser, & George, 1996; Pitman & Taylor, 1992; Schneider, 1989). The wives of sexually compulsive men often grew up in families where addictions to alcohol, drugs, food, and work were present (Crawford, Hueppelsheuser & George, 1996; Schneider & Schneider, 1996). Subsequently, these women have difficulty setting healthy psychological boundaries due to issues prevalent in their familiesof-origin. Crawford et al. (1996) also suggested wives of sexually compulsive men were more likely to have experienced sexual, physical, or emotional abuse as a child. Weiss and DeBusk (1993) noted issues of boundary violations and sexual, physical, and emotional abuse in spouses' families-of-origin. Carnes (1992) indicated that women who marry sexual addicts grow up in families with little cohesion, rigid rules, and insufficient nurturing. Carnes further noted that sex addicts' experienced the same family deficits. For women married to sexually addicted men, beliefs surrounding sex and love are influenced by their own family-of-origin (Carnes, 1991; Schneider, 1988, 2000). If in her family-of-origin a women experienced a high level of relational dysfunction and tension, the tension in her relationship with her compulsive husband may be more readily accepted as a familiar dynamic. Understanding more specifically the dynamics surrounding the families-of-origin of the women married to sexually addicted men will begin to provide guidelines to better treat this population. The dimensions of familyof-origin cohesion and adaptability appear to be important in conceptualizing these relationships. Therefore, the purpose of this study was to empirically examine family-of-origin issues for women married to sexually addicted men in comparison to women married to men who were not sexually addicted. Specifically, the three research questions were developed. 1. How do levels of cohesion in the family-of-origin of women married to sexually addicted men differ from women married to nonsexually addicted men? 2. How do levels of adaptability in the family-of-origin of women married to sexually addicted men differ from women married to nonsexually addicted men? 3. How do disruptive behaviors in the family-of-origin of women married to sexually addicted men differ from women married to nonsexually addicted men?